At times I feel like I’m more
than just 400 miles away from home.
The only way I can touch her
is through lines of a phone.
She often feels alone and knowin’
I’m grown, doesn’t help.
But as I age she slowly reveals
how she’s felt-since the day
my dad’s life expired-her soul has retired.
And just last night she said, “I’m tired…
sometimes I just get tired.”
Right then, I realized that the one
woman who taught me strength could
at the same time teach me angst by causing
tears to rain down my face and drown out my mouth.
Leavin’ me speechless.
I couldn’t even speak a sound.
Without her, I’m weak I’ve found… out the hard way.
‘Cuz on them hard days
she heals my scarred ways of thinkin’.
Before I was breathin’or blinkin’ she was thinkin’
that when I took my first breath, and when my
eyes suppressed the waters of the womb
I would soon wake her up, make her feel alive, and
now she’s dyin’ to strive and not fall asleep before
I reach for that diploma. She says she wants to live
for my graduation, and ensure my education,
and witness my dedication.
I’m dedicated to racin’ the days,
runnin’ passed minutes, sprintin’ passed seconds,
and my hurdles are relentless
but I won’t stop yet.
To pain… she’s a vet.
And like most mothers she wants me to be
different than she was, more gifted than she was,
she wants me to have more than she had, and be
more than she became. But when I look at her
I want us to be the same ‘cuz she might have lived
with five other kids in poor conditions and holidays
had presents that were missin’,
and her dad’s presence she was missin’
but she was always wishin’ to be the best.
To not walk to school with holes in her keds, to not
sit at the table without bein’ fed, and to not end up
with all of her siblings and her husband dead, but she did.
And she survived, she strived, and she thrived off of me.
And she sacrificed herself to make the best of me.
And taught me to value knowledge.
‘Cuz even though she never
attended college the streets taught her so much.
So much, that a book couldn’t even touch
and no professor or
gesture could touch me as much as she has.
And now I breathe fast, I blink fast, and my heart
beats fast ‘cuz I’m tryin’ to beat her death.
I can not rest ‘til she does,
I can not be less than she was,
I have to be the best ‘cuz she was and she is.
So, I wanna do everything she did.
I wanna be a kid with holes in my keds.
And let me starve ­ I don’t wanna be fed,
And all of her siblings and her husband are dead.
9 out of 10 people I love are dead, and I’m still
surviving and striving and thriving off of her.
So, when she sighs, holdin’ in cries, wishin’ she’d die
and she says, “I’m tired… sometimes I JUST GET TIRED!”
I want to wake up… to an empty tree… with presents missin’
and my dad’s presence I’m already missin’
so I want to be wishin’
that I can drive cars instead of ridin’ in buses
and sleep in without bussin’ tables
and turn my fables into realtiy.
I want it to be real. I want to feel what she did.
I want to be her as a kid ‘cuz as an adult she’s almost
fuckin’ perfect! So, if that’s what struggle can do then it’s worth it.
And at times I feel worthless ‘cuz I want to repay her ways
I can’t yet. Like, I haven’t found the cure for what took
my dad yet and I can’t fix what makes her sad yet.
It saddens me. But my tears she can’t see ‘cuz I wanna
sacrifice me to make the best of her. I want to fix
the rest of her, I’m blessed for her.
And all of those times that have passed,
all those times we have laughed, and even all of those times
she said she’d beat my ass and she did.
But without her strength I’d be soft within.
And I want her to live two more lifetimes.
She is my lifeline. But I’m prepared for the flatline
‘cuz that’s how life is.
But before she takes her last breath in
I will say, “I know sometimes you were tired,
you just felt tired!” but I stayed awake.
Long nights in unfamiliar dorm rooms
to take a diploma from a hand that never
touched me as much as you have.
Just like you stayed awake until 3
perfectly placin’ presents around the tree
just so I could see… what you were missin’.
And just so I could be different than you were,
But I wanna be the same ‘cuz you are close
to perfect and you kept me sane.
And even when tears would raaaaiiinn down my face
drowning my mouth so I couldn’t shout,
let alone speak.
I’ll just kiss your cheek before your last blink
and tell you I never want you to fall asleep.